More like “Lemon Life”

•October 18, 2008 • Leave a Comment

…because life is sour. And what’s worse is that is completely my fault that it’s the way it is. I’m such a coward it angers me a little. I told everyone under the sun I was telling Aaron everything Thursday. We were going to go to the haunted house place an hour away by ourselves. Perfect place to spill right? Well not only did we not go, we did absolutely nothing.

I think we might have had like a total of 20 minutes alone the entire night because of this girl that seems to live there…? Whatever, not that I would have told him had I had more time, because 20 minutes was plenty. I’m just spineless. I’m so worried that I’m wrong about what I think he’s feeling. Everytime there’s a perfect moment though, it seems like I have an audience. Funny how life works out like that right?

We talked about everything under the sun for a while though that night (Thursday, and apparently I use “Under the sun” all the time now). He tried to blame me for the haunted prison, and that he really would have gone with just me. Bitch. I would have LOVED that drive. I don’t know why, but we talk SO much when we’re driving. Mainly because music doesn’t fill our brains, so we need to keep the motors running. If we’re at my place or his we can sit and vedge for like 8 hours and say not a single word. It’s weird.

Anyways, I’m through telling people I’m going to tell him. Because I feel like that gives me a deadline. Although I really should set one, because this is getting ridiculous, I don’t plan on making a day for it. I’m not going to give people false hopes about my intentions any more though. And because of this, I won’t tell people a lot of the stupid little details either. It’s getting old, I know it is. Lord knows Jordan, Danny, and Brooke have heard everything we’ve said to each other for the past 4 weeks. I’m done.

On the up and up, tonight was managable. We hung out from like 2pm-1am. Played video games and youtubed at my place til like 9 then went over to his place for a party. Everything was going pretty well actually, and then TADA Chase walks through the door. Awesome. I figured my night was going to be ruined, but it was anything but. Aaron may not like me, but he doesn’t like Chase. Aaron wanted to make it very clear to me that they didn’t have sex, and when Chase grabbed his ass Aaron was like “stooop”. Not so much an order, but like “hey, I dont want that happening”.

Chase went home sulky. I really do feel bad for the kid. I mean, I hate that he likes Aaron and makes moves on him, but he’s a really really nice guy. If I didn’t like Aaron, I would be working every angle for that kid because he’s a keeper. Just not as much as I am 🙂

Whatever, then we went to the bar but I couldn’t get in. So I was Drake’s ride so she went home too. After crying in my car about how much she was pissed at Aaron for some trivial thing. I hate that she gets in the way, but I do care for her. We talked about Chase for a while, and tried to get info out of her. She knows he likes Aaron, obviously, but didn’t really give anything on if Aaron likes him. Bleh.

I just want a perfect drunk moment alone with him. I hope it comes soon. I honestly need alcohol to make the situation more bareable. Because everytime I tried to tell him Thursday night, which did almost come up like 4 times, I felt like I was going to vomit. Isn’t that terrible? haha I’m pathetic

Well he’ll be gaming tomorrow and drinking all night everywhere and with everyone, except me. I’ll be doing nothing until work, and then after work come home and watch Lost. I hope to finish the book Wicked tonight. Maybe by some miricle he’ll come into Unos to see me or call me to invite me out. If he does, I’ll be very eager to look for an oppritune moment to talk to him. I thought about every script I could use, but the best one I have now just came to me….

We’ll both be really drunk or something on campus, or somewhere and we’ll be close. I’ll lean over and rub his head or something stupid and we’ll be laughing at some joke so the contact won’t be weird. But I won’t move my hand when the moment passes, and I’ll simply say “I think I like you”

It’s simple, and doesn’t need a long pre-story or explination of how I feel. It’s cute, short, and won’t be too hard to maneuver. I just need again, alcohol and a moment alone with him.

I feel like a stalker by having this stupid blog, but I will have to deal with this since I”m not going to be talking to my friends about him much anymore. So Live Journal, you’ve made a new friend. Until we start dating or until I’m over him. In which case you’ll be back on the dusty shortcut tab for another 7 months. Love you!

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A Twist

•October 13, 2008 • Leave a Comment

It’s funny how terrible the weekend went. It’s even worse considering how much better I expected it to be. I guess this wasn’t “funny” at all. I’m so confused and angry after this all, that I hate myself. I actually hate myself!!

The original plans for Friday night was to go to the movie Quarentine, but that sort of fell through, though I wasn’t too worried. I had half planned on going Sunday, since that was my day off. Instead he was having a party at his place. Not really a party, but a gathering of sorts. That’s where the night turned terrible.

He had brought, or somehow gotten ahold of, Chase to the party. He had previously texted him with my phone Wednsday night, and I just tried to ignore that anything might have happened. He kissed him at the party. Chase kissed Aaron. It wasn’t anything dramatic and wet, but it was kiss. I died. I called Brooke in a fit, but there wasn’t any advice she could give me. I got drinks and drank them all, hoping to forget the entire night. There were good things from the night though, it wasn’t completely terrible.

Aaron payed a lot of attention to me, more than usual. He sort of ignored Chase the entire night, and not much else happened between them. Chase said at one point “I want to see his dick”, which made me furious, but told me that he hadn’t slept with him yet. Ugh, yet… Not that I have any proof. At the end of the night, Aaron basically passed out right away, and kept away from Chase. One of the girls at the party had told Chase to “Go spoon with your boy, he wants you to”. They thought I was asleep, but I heard it all. Luckily, Chase replied that Aaron had told him he didn’t want to. At either rate, I awoke to see them spooning. Well, Chase spooning him. Grumble.

Nothing happened that night though between them, and Aaron had to work 45 minutes after I left, so I know nothing happened there. That aside I was still furious. Angry that he had done that, angry that I liked him still. Angry about everything but mostly just pissed that I can’t turn feelings off like a light switch.

Saturday I went without talking to him. I called Brooke later that night and we planned to hang out, and forget about boys in general. As I was getting ready to leave, Aaron called me wanting to go to a haunted house. I told him no, that I already had plans, and it seemed he was really down about it. He kept me on the phone for about five minutes not really talking about anything, so I ended the conversation. I was still angry, but after I hung up I couldn’t help but smile ear to ear. It showed me he cared, at least a little. I had meant to ask him what Chase was doing, I’m sure he’d LOVE to go with you! But I figured that would be a bit much.

The next day at work, Sunday, I was told to give him the cold shoulder by a few friends. Which I did and he ate up. It agrivated him so much, and he yearned for attention of some sort. I loved it, I swooned. He made plans to see Quarentine that night, and I played it still hard to get, but agreed. Well, I told him to call me when he got off and we could talk about it. Super stoaked about the night, I went home and primped for hours.

About 9.20 I got a text from his friend Nicole asking if I wanted to go to the movies with them. Seriously!? It was my original plan a week ago, and now she’s going? I like her as a individual person, but when she is in the combination with Aaron I hate that bitch. She gets in the way and gets jealous if ANYONE takes time from her and him. I was so furious I said no, that I wasn’t going to “tag along” and she said that was cool. I expected Aaron to call me and ask why the hell I wasn’t going, but didn’t get any sort of call. No word.

The deal was that since I didn’t go to the movie I would HAVE to come over for Heros on Monday, today. I didn’t respond with an answer. After school today though, I went into Uno and he was working. I just printed my schedule off real quick and left, not wanting to say hi, but reminding him I excist. Even after that though, I didn’t get a call about Heros from him OR her. So I watched it alone and am still sitting at home angry.

I’m angry at him for sure. I’m angry at her. But I’m mostly angry at myself. I want to be over this. I want to not think about him every 5 minutes, and be able to move on to something else. I hate that even after this weekend, I want him. Bad. I want to be with him still after all the shit he puts me through, on purpose or accidental. I know it’s wrong too, becasue I should have closed the door ont his a while ago but I can’t quit him.

I plan on telling him everything somehow, probably through a fight about how I don’t talk to him anymore or something. He made plans with me to go to mansfield reformitory on Thursday night. It’s like a 2 hour drive and I really would like to go. I really REALLY want to go alone with him, because that’d would seriously be a perfect oppritunity to talk to him about everything. And then if the talk goes well, a haunted house is a perfect place to cling to someone you care about. If not, then it’s just a simple to go as friends and move on.

I know drake won’t want to go, but for some reason can still see her going. I know he’ll probably invite his sister and that whole group, which wouldn’t be terrible, but I then doubt I’d be able to get him alone with me in the car. The only way would be if I said I had things I wanted to talk about, but then I would have to bring it up, and I want HIM to. That’s fair at least right?

At the same time I don’t have a way to get ahold of him before then, and don’t want to make a trip to see him to tel him I want to go with him alone. Whatever, I might just say no again. I want him to at least talk to me about the weekend that passed before I do anything with him. Because I don’t want this weekend to become a thing of the past, it needs to be brought up. Blah, I dislike this. Wish me luck Journal, wish me luck…

Revived

•October 7, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Well, two days in a row. What are the odds! Latest update on Aaron. I expected to be more on the “playing hard to get” side of things, but I don’t care that I’m making a lot of plans to see him. I want to see him, why should I try to hide that. I’m obviously the girl in the relationship, so sue me.

I’m hoping the movie still happens, but I can’t help to be a little pessimistic about it. I think I’ll go over tomorrow morning and set definate-ish plans. Like, at least a day. Hopefully Friday, but if not then Sunday would work best. I won’t have too much homework either so I’m not too worried about time management.

It’s nice to have the house to myself too. Here’s my ideal Friday night:

He comes over as I’m getting off work, and I change there so as to save time and make the movie. We walk over and talk about how excited we are, giving each other random cutesy smiles. We get to the ticket booth and I’ll say something corny like, “Isn’t the guy supposed to pay, lord knows you’re the man in the relationship” He’ll chuckle and oblige. That’ll be the first sign.

Through the movie we’ll get scared, and I’ll latch onto his bicep for “protection” even though I most likely won’t be even a tad scared. I’ll buy popcorn for us since he bought the tickets and our hands will hit more than just once.

After the movie, we’ll be heading out and I’ll ask him what he’s doing. He’ll most likely say something about hanging out with Nicole, and I’ll sigh and say “okay”. Then he’ll ask if I had anything planned, and I’ll say just a payback. I’ll offer him to hang out with me, and not drink. We can watch family guy, play spore and he’ll have a hot shower and a warm bed to sleep in. He’ll be stoaked, and say YES!

We’ll go back to my place and I’ll request a shower first. Mainly because I stink from work, but also as a forthought of what’s to come. I’ll get out and wear only a towel, to let his AND my gaurd down. I’ll offer him the next shower and he’ll be just as excited to. When he’s in though I’ll ask if I can come in and dry my hair. “Sure” he’ll say. And while he’s in the shower I’ll ask him about the other night.

“Remember when you said you wish you could read peoples’ minds? On Monday during Heros?”

“Yeah, what about it”

“Well I guess I should let you know what I’m thinking” A lull of odd silence will set in for a second. It’ll be easier for both of us to say and hear because there’ll be a shower curtain behind us. “Well I’m thinking about you most of the time.”

“Really? Thinking of me.. how?”

“Thinking of how much I might just… just… like you. Thinking of how much I might want something more from you than just friendship. But also thinking about how much of a risk this is. Thinking about how much I love our friendship and the time we spend together, but under that I want something more. Thinking about what you’re thinking, and also releived that this is finally out there in the open. So yeah, that’s what I’m thinking.”

The shower will stop running and he’ll grab his towel over the curtain. The silence will kill me, and lead me to think that he’s not interested at all. “Well let me tell you what I’m thinking”. He’ll come out of the shower, towel around his waist, still wet and walk over to me. He’ll grab the small of my back, pull me in, and kiss me. We’ll kiss for what’ll seem like forever and finally he’ll pull away and say, “that’s what I think”

I’ll pull him back into my bed and we’ll start to make out with just these loose towels on, but I’ll stop. “I don’t want to rush this, I like you too much.” He’ll agree and we’ll just lay there for a while, holding each others half naked bodies talking about how long we’ve eached felt this way.

So yeah, I have high expectations for this weekend. Really, REALLY High expectations…

Ugly Bananas

•October 7, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Wow. I haven’t typed on this since the beginning of summer. I reread how much I wanted to accomplish this summer, and almost all of it I bailed on. I hoped for so much more over this summer that now looking back at what I wanted, I still do, and am sad that I didn’t complete it. I still have the same crummy job that I intended on leaving back in June. I haven’t really worked out much, and as far as my tan goes, I just started again last week. I didn’t really see the sun at all this summer.

But this whole break wasn’t a complete loss, and I really couldn’t have wanted more out of it. The whole of my summer was pretty pointless and I only worked and played WoW for the first half. But the second half, and what is still going on couldn’t be more of a wonderful confusion. Aaron.

Words can’t express how much I think I care about him. Althought I don’t want to say I love him, not yet at least, there is no doubt in my mind anymore that I want him. That he really is all I could want in a guy right now. Now there are flaws, oh trust me there are flaws, but what person doesn’t have them? If he was utter perfection, I don’t think I’d like him as much. In fact, the fact that he does have traits I find undesirable make me feel more desirable to him. I love the fact that on a scale, I feel we would weigh out about the same, relatively speaking.

He came back from his summer job in late August. He missed my birthday but that’s fine. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until he came back. I had completely forgot about my feelings in May. How much I wanted to kiss him before he left for 3 months. I never got that chance, and I still sort of regret it. I feel I might have been able to make him stay here. And if he did, this summer would have been THE hands down best summer of my life. A summer with a boyfriend. A summer with SOMEone.

It’s times like just there that make me think maybe I just like the idea of “us” and I don’t really like him. And if that’s the case, fuck. But at the same time, life is a book of lessons. Though some we don’t want to learn, or it hurts to read, it makes us a better person on the whole for experienceing it. He makes fun of me all the time about my tacky one night stand on the hood of a car. But that one night stand shaped me into a better man. I know who I like, what I like, and know that I need more than a physical relationship to get by. I don’t really care to drink anymore either, which he gives me shit for. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

There have been a few tell tale signs that he likes me back, but none of them are concrete and the most obvious ones happen when there are numerous people around, so I can’t have a movie moment “I love you” and a kiss, now can I? The other week he talked about a 19 year old that thought he was cute, and how wrong that is. I reminded him quickly that I”M 19, and he gasped and said “What am I doing?!” Now this could mean what am I doing hanging out with a 19 year old, but I want to take it as he’s interested. Same goes for just tonight, well technically last night. We were watching Heros with his “best friend” and roomate. We were talking about what powers we would want if we could have only one. Me and his friend both chose Clair’s instant healing ability, the obvious best. He chose to read peoples mind, quote “I’d love to be able to know what some people are thinking” and he looked right at me. We locked eyes for what seemed like forever. Probably only 10 seconds.

I wanted so bad to tell him right there, you want to know what I’m thinking Aaron? Well I’m thinking about how attracted I am to you. I’m thinking about how good of a relationship we could foster. And I’m thinking how easily I could fall for you. But I’m also thinking how I dont want to risk our friendship. How I’m terribly afraid of your rejection. And thinking about whether or not I’ll get a full nights sleep tonight because I think of this scenario for hours before I sleep.

But of course, there is a crowd, and I don’t have the balls to say something like that to someone in person. I wish I did, but I dont. That’s why I’m hoping for some amazing moment to tell him, but when it’s just him and me. We are HOPEFULLY going to go see Quarentine this weekend, just him and I. We’ll see if that pans out, but if it does that’ll be a perfect time to try a “date” scenario. I can hold his hand during the scary parts, and treat him to some popcorn or something. Then we’ll see how that goes. If not there I’m planning on having a party at my house early in the next week and alcohol makes everything easier to face. And if nothing perfect happens by then, then maybe it’s fate telling me to just be direct with him. I’ll just sit him down and be like, remember last week when you said you wanted to read minds, well here’s my thoughts and tada!

At the same time, if I have to be completely obvious, I’d rather do some sort of awesome action. I’d like to set up dinner for just him and me at my place. With candels and roses. But that might be too creeper-ish, and I don’t want to scare him away. I’m a stalker, but he doesn’t have to know that just yet. He can learn that on his own time, haha.

Oh well, I”m not sure what to do at this time, but we’ll see. I hope everything works out, if not I always have my porn. 3 Cheers for being a guy. Oh and by the way, this title means nothing, I just wanted something random. I hope I stay in contact with you journal. But I probably won’t. I’m sorry, and I love you. And will miss you the next time I read this. Kisses!

Re-Entry

•April 25, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I’m not going to lie, I probably won’t post here a lot. I don’t know why I think I can commit to something like an online journal, because I can’t. I get urges once in a blue moon to post my thoughts and think it’ll become the next most visited site. Those thoughts though don’t inspire good thinking so I’ll try to push it away.

I realized on the way to school today how much smarter I could have been here at Ohio State. My first attempt at the ACT was a 31. A fucking 31, and now I’m struggling to keep a 3.0 GPA. This doesn’t make sense to me, except that it completely does. I’m lazy. All my brain power came from basic built in knowledge. Knowledge that I didn’t have to strive to get, it just came nautrally. Now in college, working and studying are things that are quite manditory, and up until now I’ve never done before. I’ve been pretty good about homework, I’m doing better in my quizzes. And all my classes are A’s right now aside from Math. I’m liking how things are turning out, and hope to keep them on this path.

Which brings me to my major: Business. I can’t wait for the day when my major is declared and I have a goal to look forward to. Classes with Jordan will be awesome, but I fear he’s going to fall behind. Already he’s slipping in Econ, and a lot of it is to do with his Boyfriend. I know they are happy, and it’s not a bad thing they’re together. But he’d rather spend time with him then study with me. If I had a boyfriend, perhaps I’d be the same way, but I’d like to think not.

Which again brings in to discussion my relationship with Jordan. He’s my best friend, and I hope that NEVER changes. I can see us being 90 and still stupid. But the idea of relationships with other people scare me, because I think we’ll run out time for each other. He spends a lot of time with Adriel, which I know is sorta my fault because I don’t live on campus, but he makes little effort. I plan on living here Junior year, but if he ends up living with Adriel then what? What would I do?

Is it selfish to want him all to myself? For him to be alone and only want to spend time with me? Yes. I know it is. I’m a selfish person. I think sometimes if these are feelings towards him, feelings of a relationship, of a partner. Then I actually think about it and realize I just want to keep my friends close. Really close.

I don’t know how to take all of this, and with Aaron leaving (my crush at the moment) I don’t have much to look forward to this summer. I guess a lot of sleep make up, and hopefully some lifting. I’d like to do more excercise, more piano, and more art/dance. I want to be active and develope a tan. I want to make my summer mean something, and get a job I feel passionate about. I have a lot of goals for these sunny days. I just hope I don’t bail on them like I will with this journal.

I doubt I’ll post here again anytime soon, so until next time, I love you. Do I? Is that weird? I hope so, because that’s the only way I roll..

Poke’mon

•February 15, 2008 • Leave a Comment


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Midterms

•January 29, 2008 • Leave a Comment

This week has not been an easy one. On top of a 14 freaking hour day at work with no breaks except for 20 minutes to eat, I had 3 midterms. I honestly don’t want to talk about all of that, because it reminds me how stressed I got. I just haven’t posted for a while so I figured I’d give an update.

On the bright side I ran into my friend Sarah from last quarter and we studied together. It’s nice to know that some people don’t change. That you can always count on them. But then that just reminds me that there are some people who you can’t count on, and it makes me equally upset.