Teenage Confusion

I told him. Last friday, I told him I liked him. I was drunk, he was getting there, and we were alone in my friends basement together. He felt trapped, and kept pushing the subject away. He responded only with, “You want to get into this here?” That’s it.

He then went upstairs to rejoin the party, and I stayed behind and cried. I fucking cried! I don’t cry over boys anymore, they’re not worth it. Especially when we were never anything more than friends. Why do I allow him to hurt me so? And more to the present dilema, why do I allow myself to keep getting hurt?

I stay in touch with him, and we hang out numerous times a week. It’s safe to say I see him more than anyone else right now. There are still those moments we share. When our eyes linger on each other, and a funny smile comes over both of our faces, but that’s all. I tried to be an aggressive flirter, to make sure he knows I was serious.

His sister told me about his problems. How he can’t hold a relationship, and he pushes everyone away. Maybe it’s because he’s scared. I’m not sure, and probably won’t ever be completely certain. He’s all I have though, and the more I think about it the more I think I may love him.

I don’t want to love him. I don’t want to like him. I hate brokeback for making this phrase so practical to me, but I want to learn how to quit him. It’d be so much easier staying home watching movies or playing video games, or staying on campus with my best friend everynight. It’d be so much easier to look around me and see the other possibilites I have. It’d be so much easier without him.

I’m not wishing him to dissappear I guess. I’m definitely not wishing him dead, I love him too much for that. I just wish I never met him I suppose. I wish I never saw him when he came back from Cedar Point. That was the day. It was a morning, and they sat at table 25. He was in seat 1, and got a salmon skewer salad with extra corn salsa. He got an ice tea, with a little extra water added to make it less strong. That was the day I knew I had something special in my heart for him.

Funny how I remember that, after all these months. Should I tell him again? Sober. Jordan says no. He says that I told him once and he ignored it, shame on him. If I tell him again and he ignores it, shame on me. But what if he doesn’t ignore it. No matter the answer, it’ll help me find love. Either with him, or moving past him with someone else. Right? Right…?

I’m so lost. I really am. I don’t know who I am anymore, and it’s killing me. I don’t find myself sad or anything. I’m not depressed. I’m just a little lonely, that’s all. I want to be moved onto campus right now. I want to live away from him, in a place where I have friends to surround myself with. I want no ties back to this miserable, well not miserable, life I’m leading at the moment. I want an easy life where I wake up to sunshine and have a spring in my step. I want…. him.

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~ by kioseth on December 1, 2008.

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