A Twist

It’s funny how terrible the weekend went. It’s even worse considering how much better I expected it to be. I guess this wasn’t “funny” at all. I’m so confused and angry after this all, that I hate myself. I actually hate myself!!

The original plans for Friday night was to go to the movie Quarentine, but that sort of fell through, though I wasn’t too worried. I had half planned on going Sunday, since that was my day off. Instead he was having a party at his place. Not really a party, but a gathering of sorts. That’s where the night turned terrible.

He had brought, or somehow gotten ahold of, Chase to the party. He had previously texted him with my phone Wednsday night, and I just tried to ignore that anything might have happened. He kissed him at the party. Chase kissed Aaron. It wasn’t anything dramatic and wet, but it was kiss. I died. I called Brooke in a fit, but there wasn’t any advice she could give me. I got drinks and drank them all, hoping to forget the entire night. There were good things from the night though, it wasn’t completely terrible.

Aaron payed a lot of attention to me, more than usual. He sort of ignored Chase the entire night, and not much else happened between them. Chase said at one point “I want to see his dick”, which made me furious, but told me that he hadn’t slept with him yet. Ugh, yet… Not that I have any proof. At the end of the night, Aaron basically passed out right away, and kept away from Chase. One of the girls at the party had told Chase to “Go spoon with your boy, he wants you to”. They thought I was asleep, but I heard it all. Luckily, Chase replied that Aaron had told him he didn’t want to. At either rate, I awoke to see them spooning. Well, Chase spooning him. Grumble.

Nothing happened that night though between them, and Aaron had to work 45 minutes after I left, so I know nothing happened there. That aside I was still furious. Angry that he had done that, angry that I liked him still. Angry about everything but mostly just pissed that I can’t turn feelings off like a light switch.

Saturday I went without talking to him. I called Brooke later that night and we planned to hang out, and forget about boys in general. As I was getting ready to leave, Aaron called me wanting to go to a haunted house. I told him no, that I already had plans, and it seemed he was really down about it. He kept me on the phone for about five minutes not really talking about anything, so I ended the conversation. I was still angry, but after I hung up I couldn’t help but smile ear to ear. It showed me he cared, at least a little. I had meant to ask him what Chase was doing, I’m sure he’d LOVE to go with you! But I figured that would be a bit much.

The next day at work, Sunday, I was told to give him the cold shoulder by a few friends. Which I did and he ate up. It agrivated him so much, and he yearned for attention of some sort. I loved it, I swooned. He made plans to see Quarentine that night, and I played it still hard to get, but agreed. Well, I told him to call me when he got off and we could talk about it. Super stoaked about the night, I went home and primped for hours.

About 9.20 I got a text from his friend Nicole asking if I wanted to go to the movies with them. Seriously!? It was my original plan a week ago, and now she’s going? I like her as a individual person, but when she is in the combination with Aaron I hate that bitch. She gets in the way and gets jealous if ANYONE takes time from her and him. I was so furious I said no, that I wasn’t going to “tag along” and she said that was cool. I expected Aaron to call me and ask why the hell I wasn’t going, but didn’t get any sort of call. No word.

The deal was that since I didn’t go to the movie I would HAVE to come over for Heros on Monday, today. I didn’t respond with an answer. After school today though, I went into Uno and he was working. I just printed my schedule off real quick and left, not wanting to say hi, but reminding him I excist. Even after that though, I didn’t get a call about Heros from him OR her. So I watched it alone and am still sitting at home angry.

I’m angry at him for sure. I’m angry at her. But I’m mostly angry at myself. I want to be over this. I want to not think about him every 5 minutes, and be able to move on to something else. I hate that even after this weekend, I want him. Bad. I want to be with him still after all the shit he puts me through, on purpose or accidental. I know it’s wrong too, becasue I should have closed the door ont his a while ago but I can’t quit him.

I plan on telling him everything somehow, probably through a fight about how I don’t talk to him anymore or something. He made plans with me to go to mansfield reformitory on Thursday night. It’s like a 2 hour drive and I really would like to go. I really REALLY want to go alone with him, because that’d would seriously be a perfect oppritunity to talk to him about everything. And then if the talk goes well, a haunted house is a perfect place to cling to someone you care about. If not, then it’s just a simple to go as friends and move on.

I know drake won’t want to go, but for some reason can still see her going. I know he’ll probably invite his sister and that whole group, which wouldn’t be terrible, but I then doubt I’d be able to get him alone with me in the car. The only way would be if I said I had things I wanted to talk about, but then I would have to bring it up, and I want HIM to. That’s fair at least right?

At the same time I don’t have a way to get ahold of him before then, and don’t want to make a trip to see him to tel him I want to go with him alone. Whatever, I might just say no again. I want him to at least talk to me about the weekend that passed before I do anything with him. Because I don’t want this weekend to become a thing of the past, it needs to be brought up. Blah, I dislike this. Wish me luck Journal, wish me luck…

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~ by kioseth on October 13, 2008.

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