Ugly Bananas

Wow. I haven’t typed on this since the beginning of summer. I reread how much I wanted to accomplish this summer, and almost all of it I bailed on. I hoped for so much more over this summer that now looking back at what I wanted, I still do, and am sad that I didn’t complete it. I still have the same crummy job that I intended on leaving back in June. I haven’t really worked out much, and as far as my tan goes, I just started again last week. I didn’t really see the sun at all this summer.

But this whole break wasn’t a complete loss, and I really couldn’t have wanted more out of it. The whole of my summer was pretty pointless and I only worked and played WoW for the first half. But the second half, and what is still going on couldn’t be more of a wonderful confusion. Aaron.

Words can’t express how much I think I care about him. Althought I don’t want to say I love him, not yet at least, there is no doubt in my mind anymore that I want him. That he really is all I could want in a guy right now. Now there are flaws, oh trust me there are flaws, but what person doesn’t have them? If he was utter perfection, I don’t think I’d like him as much. In fact, the fact that he does have traits I find undesirable make me feel more desirable to him. I love the fact that on a scale, I feel we would weigh out about the same, relatively speaking.

He came back from his summer job in late August. He missed my birthday but that’s fine. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until he came back. I had completely forgot about my feelings in May. How much I wanted to kiss him before he left for 3 months. I never got that chance, and I still sort of regret it. I feel I might have been able to make him stay here. And if he did, this summer would have been THE hands down best summer of my life. A summer with a boyfriend. A summer with SOMEone.

It’s times like just there that make me think maybe I just like the idea of “us” and I don’t really like him. And if that’s the case, fuck. But at the same time, life is a book of lessons. Though some we don’t want to learn, or it hurts to read, it makes us a better person on the whole for experienceing it. He makes fun of me all the time about my tacky one night stand on the hood of a car. But that one night stand shaped me into a better man. I know who I like, what I like, and know that I need more than a physical relationship to get by. I don’t really care to drink anymore either, which he gives me shit for. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

There have been a few tell tale signs that he likes me back, but none of them are concrete and the most obvious ones happen when there are numerous people around, so I can’t have a movie moment “I love you” and a kiss, now can I? The other week he talked about a 19 year old that thought he was cute, and how wrong that is. I reminded him quickly that I”M 19, and he gasped and said “What am I doing?!” Now this could mean what am I doing hanging out with a 19 year old, but I want to take it as he’s interested. Same goes for just tonight, well technically last night. We were watching Heros with his “best friend” and roomate. We were talking about what powers we would want if we could have only one. Me and his friend both chose Clair’s instant healing ability, the obvious best. He chose to read peoples mind, quote “I’d love to be able to know what some people are thinking” and he looked right at me. We locked eyes for what seemed like forever. Probably only 10 seconds.

I wanted so bad to tell him right there, you want to know what I’m thinking Aaron? Well I’m thinking about how attracted I am to you. I’m thinking about how good of a relationship we could foster. And I’m thinking how easily I could fall for you. But I’m also thinking how I dont want to risk our friendship. How I’m terribly afraid of your rejection. And thinking about whether or not I’ll get a full nights sleep tonight because I think of this scenario for hours before I sleep.

But of course, there is a crowd, and I don’t have the balls to say something like that to someone in person. I wish I did, but I dont. That’s why I’m hoping for some amazing moment to tell him, but when it’s just him and me. We are HOPEFULLY going to go see Quarentine this weekend, just him and I. We’ll see if that pans out, but if it does that’ll be a perfect time to try a “date” scenario. I can hold his hand during the scary parts, and treat him to some popcorn or something. Then we’ll see how that goes. If not there I’m planning on having a party at my house early in the next week and alcohol makes everything easier to face. And if nothing perfect happens by then, then maybe it’s fate telling me to just be direct with him. I’ll just sit him down and be like, remember last week when you said you wanted to read minds, well here’s my thoughts and tada!

At the same time, if I have to be completely obvious, I’d rather do some sort of awesome action. I’d like to set up dinner for just him and me at my place. With candels and roses. But that might be too creeper-ish, and I don’t want to scare him away. I’m a stalker, but he doesn’t have to know that just yet. He can learn that on his own time, haha.

Oh well, I”m not sure what to do at this time, but we’ll see. I hope everything works out, if not I always have my porn. 3 Cheers for being a guy. Oh and by the way, this title means nothing, I just wanted something random. I hope I stay in contact with you journal. But I probably won’t. I’m sorry, and I love you. And will miss you the next time I read this. Kisses!

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~ by kioseth on October 7, 2008.

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