I’m not going to lie, I probably won’t post here a lot. I don’t know why I think I can commit to something like an online journal, because I can’t. I get urges once in a blue moon to post my thoughts and think it’ll become the next most visited site. Those thoughts though don’t inspire good thinking so I’ll try to push it away.

I realized on the way to school today how much smarter I could have been here at Ohio State. My first attempt at the ACT was a 31. A fucking 31, and now I’m struggling to keep a 3.0 GPA. This doesn’t make sense to me, except that it completely does. I’m lazy. All my brain power came from basic built in knowledge. Knowledge that I didn’t have to strive to get, it just came nautrally. Now in college, working and studying are things that are quite manditory, and up until now I’ve never done before. I’ve been pretty good about homework, I’m doing better in my quizzes. And all my classes are A’s right now aside from Math. I’m liking how things are turning out, and hope to keep them on this path.

Which brings me to my major: Business. I can’t wait for the day when my major is declared and I have a goal to look forward to. Classes with Jordan will be awesome, but I fear he’s going to fall behind. Already he’s slipping in Econ, and a lot of it is to do with his Boyfriend. I know they are happy, and it’s not a bad thing they’re together. But he’d rather spend time with him then study with me. If I had a boyfriend, perhaps I’d be the same way, but I’d like to think not.

Which again brings in to discussion my relationship with Jordan. He’s my best friend, and I hope that NEVER changes. I can see us being 90 and still stupid. But the idea of relationships with other people scare me, because I think we’ll run out time for each other. He spends a lot of time with Adriel, which I know is sorta my fault because I don’t live on campus, but he makes little effort. I plan on living here Junior year, but if he ends up living with Adriel then what? What would I do?

Is it selfish to want him all to myself? For him to be alone and only want to spend time with me? Yes. I know it is. I’m a selfish person. I think sometimes if these are feelings towards him, feelings of a relationship, of a partner. Then I actually think about it and realize I just want to keep my friends close. Really close.

I don’t know how to take all of this, and with Aaron leaving (my crush at the moment) I don’t have much to look forward to this summer. I guess a lot of sleep make up, and hopefully some lifting. I’d like to do more excercise, more piano, and more art/dance. I want to be active and develope a tan. I want to make my summer mean something, and get a job I feel passionate about. I have a lot of goals for these sunny days. I just hope I don’t bail on them like I will with this journal.

I doubt I’ll post here again anytime soon, so until next time, I love you. Do I? Is that weird? I hope so, because that’s the only way I roll..


~ by kioseth on April 25, 2008.

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