So I’m like a half an hour early for classes today. I have to turn in my dance paper and grab some lunch with Holly and maybe Jordan. I’m supposed I help get her iPod iTouch connected to osuwireless. Wish me and my geeky side luck!
I told him. Last friday, I told him I liked him. I was drunk, he was getting there, and we were alone in my friends basement together. He felt trapped, and kept pushing the subject away. He responded only with, “You want to get into this here?” That’s it.
He then went upstairs to rejoin the party, and I stayed behind and cried. I fucking cried! I don’t cry over boys anymore, they’re not worth it. Especially when we were never anything more than friends. Why do I allow him to hurt me so? And more to the present dilema, why do I allow myself to keep getting hurt?
I stay in touch with him, and we hang out numerous times a week. It’s safe to say I see him more than anyone else right now. There are still those moments we share. When our eyes linger on each other, and a funny smile comes over both of our faces, but that’s all. I tried to be an aggressive flirter, to make sure he knows I was serious.
His sister told me about his problems. How he can’t hold a relationship, and he pushes everyone away. Maybe it’s because he’s scared. I’m not sure, and probably won’t ever be completely certain. He’s all I have though, and the more I think about it the more I think I may love him.
I don’t want to love him. I don’t want to like him. I hate brokeback for making this phrase so practical to me, but I want to learn how to quit him. It’d be so much easier staying home watching movies or playing video games, or staying on campus with my best friend everynight. It’d be so much easier to look around me and see the other possibilites I have. It’d be so much easier without him.
I’m not wishing him to dissappear I guess. I’m definitely not wishing him dead, I love him too much for that. I just wish I never met him I suppose. I wish I never saw him when he came back from Cedar Point. That was the day. It was a morning, and they sat at table 25. He was in seat 1, and got a salmon skewer salad with extra corn salsa. He got an ice tea, with a little extra water added to make it less strong. That was the day I knew I had something special in my heart for him.
Funny how I remember that, after all these months. Should I tell him again? Sober. Jordan says no. He says that I told him once and he ignored it, shame on him. If I tell him again and he ignores it, shame on me. But what if he doesn’t ignore it. No matter the answer, it’ll help me find love. Either with him, or moving past him with someone else. Right? Right…?
I’m so lost. I really am. I don’t know who I am anymore, and it’s killing me. I don’t find myself sad or anything. I’m not depressed. I’m just a little lonely, that’s all. I want to be moved onto campus right now. I want to live away from him, in a place where I have friends to surround myself with. I want no ties back to this miserable, well not miserable, life I’m leading at the moment. I want an easy life where I wake up to sunshine and have a spring in my step. I want…. him.
I’m done with him. That’s what I’m supposed to feel. He’s an ass to me all the time in public, and sweet to me when we’re alone. I’m over that feeling, but I’m not over the feelings he makes me have. I haven’t tried to talk to him in over a week and a half. He came into work yesterday so I did talk to him, but only for like 3 minutes and I didn’t start any conversation, I think he could tell I was angry or something.
In this midst, I’m talking to Jordan K. again. I do like him I think, but I’m worried I’m only talking to him to get over Aaron. If that’s true, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It’d actually be a double positive. Cause I would be with someone who I DO know I like, since I liked him before Aaron anyway, and I’ll be over Aaron or at least moved past him. Yayy!
It’s a constant battle though, forcing myself not to think of him not to dream of him. But whatever, he really isn’t right for me. Writing this down is enforcing my belief in that fact. He’s not for me. I’m still a little hot and heavy for him, I won’t lie, but I’m not emotionally connected to him. Maybe that’s all we need is like, a one night stand. W/E… I need to study. Peace.
Nothing exciting happened today. I went to work, made only like 50 bucks. Was first cut, what a suprise… I hate Uno, but I don’t want to talk about it on here. I have people in real life I can complain about it with, my LJ isn’t necessary.
As far as Aaron goes, I haven’t talked to him all day, I didn’t expect to. I added Chase as a friend on myspace today. Or at least sent him an invite. I don’t know why, but I did. I was going to go over to his house tonight to pick up my coat from Kristie, but she wasn’t there so I just went home. No biggie, he should bring it into work for me tomorrow.
That’ll be nice working with him tomorrow. Though he doesn’t come in til like 3pm. Once he gets there though I’ll make plans with him. Yes.. I’ll make plans with him. I don’t care that I’ll go back to the offensive, but being passive took too much time. I figure since I don’t have to be to school Monday morning til 2.45 I could stay the night there. If so I’ll ask him if I can sleep on the couch with him because of my height. Depending on who’s there he should say yes, I hope…
I mean, if for some reason tons of people are over, he may not just because of things people would say. If drake is there, I could probably convince her that it’s fine since we talked about it earlier. If Chase is there for some odd reason, it definately won’t happen. Although I don’t think Aaron likes him, he won’t tel Chase so Chase’ll still try to snuggle. But most likely, since it’ll be Sunday, Nicole might stay over but she’ll be our only audience.
It’d be nice to fall asleep with him next to me. I figured that might foster the perfect moment I’ve been waiting for to let him know how much he means to me. But if not I’m not too worried. I’ve figured out that even if we don’t work out or even ever try, I’m liking the people I’m meeting because of him. I met Cole for the first REAL time last night, and adore him. He IS cute, but I know he’s straight and right now Aaron is the only man on my mind.
I guess I won’t talk to you tomorrow night, since I should be at Aaron’s place. But I’ll talk to you soon I swear!!!