Time Delay

•March 6, 2009 • Leave a Comment

So I’m like a half an hour early for classes today. I have to turn in my dance paper and grab some lunch with Holly and maybe Jordan. I’m supposed I help get her iPod iTouch connected to osuwireless. Wish me and my geeky side luck!

Posted by ShoZu

Claddagh Ladies

•March 6, 2009 • Leave a Comment

My two closest girl friends from Claddagh: Jaimee & Jessi

Posted by ShoZu


•March 6, 2009 • Leave a Comment

She is the official soundtrack to my life. I love her beats and 90% of her lyrics. My personal addiction is more about the beat, “Diva”

Posted by ShoZu

Bus rides

•March 6, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I’ve figured out that the bus rides are really quite good spots to get studying done. The white noise of the rattling windows and the hum of the engine are soothing. I enjoy time on the bus now.

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Teenage Confusion

•December 1, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I told him. Last friday, I told him I liked him. I was drunk, he was getting there, and we were alone in my friends basement together. He felt trapped, and kept pushing the subject away. He responded only with, “You want to get into this here?” That’s it.

He then went upstairs to rejoin the party, and I stayed behind and cried. I fucking cried! I don’t cry over boys anymore, they’re not worth it. Especially when we were never anything more than friends. Why do I allow him to hurt me so? And more to the present dilema, why do I allow myself to keep getting hurt?

I stay in touch with him, and we hang out numerous times a week. It’s safe to say I see him more than anyone else right now. There are still those moments we share. When our eyes linger on each other, and a funny smile comes over both of our faces, but that’s all. I tried to be an aggressive flirter, to make sure he knows I was serious.

His sister told me about his problems. How he can’t hold a relationship, and he pushes everyone away. Maybe it’s because he’s scared. I’m not sure, and probably won’t ever be completely certain. He’s all I have though, and the more I think about it the more I think I may love him.

I don’t want to love him. I don’t want to like him. I hate brokeback for making this phrase so practical to me, but I want to learn how to quit him. It’d be so much easier staying home watching movies or playing video games, or staying on campus with my best friend everynight. It’d be so much easier to look around me and see the other possibilites I have. It’d be so much easier without him.

I’m not wishing him to dissappear I guess. I’m definitely not wishing him dead, I love him too much for that. I just wish I never met him I suppose. I wish I never saw him when he came back from Cedar Point. That was the day. It was a morning, and they sat at table 25. He was in seat 1, and got a salmon skewer salad with extra corn salsa. He got an ice tea, with a little extra water added to make it less strong. That was the day I knew I had something special in my heart for him.

Funny how I remember that, after all these months. Should I tell him again? Sober. Jordan says no. He says that I told him once and he ignored it, shame on him. If I tell him again and he ignores it, shame on me. But what if he doesn’t ignore it. No matter the answer, it’ll help me find love. Either with him, or moving past him with someone else. Right? Right…?

I’m so lost. I really am. I don’t know who I am anymore, and it’s killing me. I don’t find myself sad or anything. I’m not depressed. I’m just a little lonely, that’s all. I want to be moved onto campus right now. I want to live away from him, in a place where I have friends to surround myself with. I want no ties back to this miserable, well not miserable, life I’m leading at the moment. I want an easy life where I wake up to sunshine and have a spring in my step. I want…. him.

I can’t help but hope…

•October 27, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I’m done with him. That’s what I’m supposed to feel. He’s an ass to me all the time in public, and sweet to me when we’re alone. I’m over that feeling, but I’m not over the feelings he makes me have. I haven’t tried to talk to him in over a week and a half. He came into work yesterday so I did talk to him, but only for like 3 minutes and I didn’t start any conversation, I think he could tell I was angry or something.

In this midst, I’m talking to Jordan K. again. I do like him I think, but I’m worried I’m only talking to him to get over Aaron. If that’s true, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It’d actually be a double positive. Cause I would be with someone who I DO know I like, since I liked him before Aaron anyway, and I’ll be over Aaron or at least moved past him. Yayy!

It’s a constant battle though, forcing myself not to think of him not to dream of him. But whatever, he really isn’t right for me. Writing this down is enforcing my belief in that fact. He’s not for me. I’m still a little hot and heavy for him, I won’t lie, but I’m not emotionally connected to him. Maybe that’s all we need is like, a one night stand. W/E… I need to study. Peace.

Random Pointless Update

•October 19, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Nothing exciting happened today. I went to work, made only like 50 bucks. Was first cut, what a suprise… I hate Uno, but I don’t want to talk about it on here. I have people in real life I can complain about it with, my LJ isn’t necessary.

As far as Aaron goes, I haven’t talked to him all day, I didn’t expect to. I added Chase as a friend on myspace today. Or at least sent him an invite. I don’t know why, but I did. I was going to go over to his house tonight to pick up my coat from Kristie, but she wasn’t there so I just went home. No biggie, he should bring it into work for me tomorrow.

That’ll be nice working with him tomorrow. Though he doesn’t come in til like 3pm. Once he gets there though I’ll make plans with him. Yes.. I’ll make plans with him. I don’t care that I’ll go back to the offensive, but being passive took too much time. I figure since I don’t have to be to school Monday morning til 2.45 I could stay the night there. If so I’ll ask him if I can sleep on the couch with him because of my height. Depending on who’s there he should say yes, I hope…

I mean, if for some reason tons of people are over, he may not just because of things people would say. If drake is there, I could probably convince her that it’s fine since we talked about it earlier. If Chase is there for some odd reason, it definately won’t happen. Although I don’t think Aaron likes him, he won’t tel Chase so Chase’ll still try to snuggle. But most likely, since it’ll be Sunday, Nicole might stay over but she’ll be our only audience.

It’d be nice to fall asleep with him next to me. I figured that might foster the perfect moment I’ve been waiting for to let him know how much he means to me. But if not I’m not too worried. I’ve figured out that even if we don’t work out or even ever try, I’m liking the people I’m meeting because of him. I met Cole for the first REAL time last night, and adore him. He IS cute, but I know he’s straight and right now Aaron is the only man on my mind.

I guess I won’t talk to you tomorrow night, since I should be at Aaron’s place. But I’ll talk to you soon I swear!!!

More like “Lemon Life”

•October 18, 2008 • Leave a Comment

…because life is sour. And what’s worse is that is completely my fault that it’s the way it is. I’m such a coward it angers me a little. I told everyone under the sun I was telling Aaron everything Thursday. We were going to go to the haunted house place an hour away by ourselves. Perfect place to spill right? Well not only did we not go, we did absolutely nothing.

I think we might have had like a total of 20 minutes alone the entire night because of this girl that seems to live there…? Whatever, not that I would have told him had I had more time, because 20 minutes was plenty. I’m just spineless. I’m so worried that I’m wrong about what I think he’s feeling. Everytime there’s a perfect moment though, it seems like I have an audience. Funny how life works out like that right?

We talked about everything under the sun for a while though that night (Thursday, and apparently I use “Under the sun” all the time now). He tried to blame me for the haunted prison, and that he really would have gone with just me. Bitch. I would have LOVED that drive. I don’t know why, but we talk SO much when we’re driving. Mainly because music doesn’t fill our brains, so we need to keep the motors running. If we’re at my place or his we can sit and vedge for like 8 hours and say not a single word. It’s weird.

Anyways, I’m through telling people I’m going to tell him. Because I feel like that gives me a deadline. Although I really should set one, because this is getting ridiculous, I don’t plan on making a day for it. I’m not going to give people false hopes about my intentions any more though. And because of this, I won’t tell people a lot of the stupid little details either. It’s getting old, I know it is. Lord knows Jordan, Danny, and Brooke have heard everything we’ve said to each other for the past 4 weeks. I’m done.

On the up and up, tonight was managable. We hung out from like 2pm-1am. Played video games and youtubed at my place til like 9 then went over to his place for a party. Everything was going pretty well actually, and then TADA Chase walks through the door. Awesome. I figured my night was going to be ruined, but it was anything but. Aaron may not like me, but he doesn’t like Chase. Aaron wanted to make it very clear to me that they didn’t have sex, and when Chase grabbed his ass Aaron was like “stooop”. Not so much an order, but like “hey, I dont want that happening”.

Chase went home sulky. I really do feel bad for the kid. I mean, I hate that he likes Aaron and makes moves on him, but he’s a really really nice guy. If I didn’t like Aaron, I would be working every angle for that kid because he’s a keeper. Just not as much as I am 🙂

Whatever, then we went to the bar but I couldn’t get in. So I was Drake’s ride so she went home too. After crying in my car about how much she was pissed at Aaron for some trivial thing. I hate that she gets in the way, but I do care for her. We talked about Chase for a while, and tried to get info out of her. She knows he likes Aaron, obviously, but didn’t really give anything on if Aaron likes him. Bleh.

I just want a perfect drunk moment alone with him. I hope it comes soon. I honestly need alcohol to make the situation more bareable. Because everytime I tried to tell him Thursday night, which did almost come up like 4 times, I felt like I was going to vomit. Isn’t that terrible? haha I’m pathetic

Well he’ll be gaming tomorrow and drinking all night everywhere and with everyone, except me. I’ll be doing nothing until work, and then after work come home and watch Lost. I hope to finish the book Wicked tonight. Maybe by some miricle he’ll come into Unos to see me or call me to invite me out. If he does, I’ll be very eager to look for an oppritune moment to talk to him. I thought about every script I could use, but the best one I have now just came to me….

We’ll both be really drunk or something on campus, or somewhere and we’ll be close. I’ll lean over and rub his head or something stupid and we’ll be laughing at some joke so the contact won’t be weird. But I won’t move my hand when the moment passes, and I’ll simply say “I think I like you”

It’s simple, and doesn’t need a long pre-story or explination of how I feel. It’s cute, short, and won’t be too hard to maneuver. I just need again, alcohol and a moment alone with him.

I feel like a stalker by having this stupid blog, but I will have to deal with this since I”m not going to be talking to my friends about him much anymore. So Live Journal, you’ve made a new friend. Until we start dating or until I’m over him. In which case you’ll be back on the dusty shortcut tab for another 7 months. Love you!

A Twist

•October 13, 2008 • Leave a Comment

It’s funny how terrible the weekend went. It’s even worse considering how much better I expected it to be. I guess this wasn’t “funny” at all. I’m so confused and angry after this all, that I hate myself. I actually hate myself!!

The original plans for Friday night was to go to the movie Quarentine, but that sort of fell through, though I wasn’t too worried. I had half planned on going Sunday, since that was my day off. Instead he was having a party at his place. Not really a party, but a gathering of sorts. That’s where the night turned terrible.

He had brought, or somehow gotten ahold of, Chase to the party. He had previously texted him with my phone Wednsday night, and I just tried to ignore that anything might have happened. He kissed him at the party. Chase kissed Aaron. It wasn’t anything dramatic and wet, but it was kiss. I died. I called Brooke in a fit, but there wasn’t any advice she could give me. I got drinks and drank them all, hoping to forget the entire night. There were good things from the night though, it wasn’t completely terrible.

Aaron payed a lot of attention to me, more than usual. He sort of ignored Chase the entire night, and not much else happened between them. Chase said at one point “I want to see his dick”, which made me furious, but told me that he hadn’t slept with him yet. Ugh, yet… Not that I have any proof. At the end of the night, Aaron basically passed out right away, and kept away from Chase. One of the girls at the party had told Chase to “Go spoon with your boy, he wants you to”. They thought I was asleep, but I heard it all. Luckily, Chase replied that Aaron had told him he didn’t want to. At either rate, I awoke to see them spooning. Well, Chase spooning him. Grumble.

Nothing happened that night though between them, and Aaron had to work 45 minutes after I left, so I know nothing happened there. That aside I was still furious. Angry that he had done that, angry that I liked him still. Angry about everything but mostly just pissed that I can’t turn feelings off like a light switch.

Saturday I went without talking to him. I called Brooke later that night and we planned to hang out, and forget about boys in general. As I was getting ready to leave, Aaron called me wanting to go to a haunted house. I told him no, that I already had plans, and it seemed he was really down about it. He kept me on the phone for about five minutes not really talking about anything, so I ended the conversation. I was still angry, but after I hung up I couldn’t help but smile ear to ear. It showed me he cared, at least a little. I had meant to ask him what Chase was doing, I’m sure he’d LOVE to go with you! But I figured that would be a bit much.

The next day at work, Sunday, I was told to give him the cold shoulder by a few friends. Which I did and he ate up. It agrivated him so much, and he yearned for attention of some sort. I loved it, I swooned. He made plans to see Quarentine that night, and I played it still hard to get, but agreed. Well, I told him to call me when he got off and we could talk about it. Super stoaked about the night, I went home and primped for hours.

About 9.20 I got a text from his friend Nicole asking if I wanted to go to the movies with them. Seriously!? It was my original plan a week ago, and now she’s going? I like her as a individual person, but when she is in the combination with Aaron I hate that bitch. She gets in the way and gets jealous if ANYONE takes time from her and him. I was so furious I said no, that I wasn’t going to “tag along” and she said that was cool. I expected Aaron to call me and ask why the hell I wasn’t going, but didn’t get any sort of call. No word.

The deal was that since I didn’t go to the movie I would HAVE to come over for Heros on Monday, today. I didn’t respond with an answer. After school today though, I went into Uno and he was working. I just printed my schedule off real quick and left, not wanting to say hi, but reminding him I excist. Even after that though, I didn’t get a call about Heros from him OR her. So I watched it alone and am still sitting at home angry.

I’m angry at him for sure. I’m angry at her. But I’m mostly angry at myself. I want to be over this. I want to not think about him every 5 minutes, and be able to move on to something else. I hate that even after this weekend, I want him. Bad. I want to be with him still after all the shit he puts me through, on purpose or accidental. I know it’s wrong too, becasue I should have closed the door ont his a while ago but I can’t quit him.

I plan on telling him everything somehow, probably through a fight about how I don’t talk to him anymore or something. He made plans with me to go to mansfield reformitory on Thursday night. It’s like a 2 hour drive and I really would like to go. I really REALLY want to go alone with him, because that’d would seriously be a perfect oppritunity to talk to him about everything. And then if the talk goes well, a haunted house is a perfect place to cling to someone you care about. If not, then it’s just a simple to go as friends and move on.

I know drake won’t want to go, but for some reason can still see her going. I know he’ll probably invite his sister and that whole group, which wouldn’t be terrible, but I then doubt I’d be able to get him alone with me in the car. The only way would be if I said I had things I wanted to talk about, but then I would have to bring it up, and I want HIM to. That’s fair at least right?

At the same time I don’t have a way to get ahold of him before then, and don’t want to make a trip to see him to tel him I want to go with him alone. Whatever, I might just say no again. I want him to at least talk to me about the weekend that passed before I do anything with him. Because I don’t want this weekend to become a thing of the past, it needs to be brought up. Blah, I dislike this. Wish me luck Journal, wish me luck…


•October 7, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Well, two days in a row. What are the odds! Latest update on Aaron. I expected to be more on the “playing hard to get” side of things, but I don’t care that I’m making a lot of plans to see him. I want to see him, why should I try to hide that. I’m obviously the girl in the relationship, so sue me.

I’m hoping the movie still happens, but I can’t help to be a little pessimistic about it. I think I’ll go over tomorrow morning and set definate-ish plans. Like, at least a day. Hopefully Friday, but if not then Sunday would work best. I won’t have too much homework either so I’m not too worried about time management.

It’s nice to have the house to myself too. Here’s my ideal Friday night:

He comes over as I’m getting off work, and I change there so as to save time and make the movie. We walk over and talk about how excited we are, giving each other random cutesy smiles. We get to the ticket booth and I’ll say something corny like, “Isn’t the guy supposed to pay, lord knows you’re the man in the relationship” He’ll chuckle and oblige. That’ll be the first sign.

Through the movie we’ll get scared, and I’ll latch onto his bicep for “protection” even though I most likely won’t be even a tad scared. I’ll buy popcorn for us since he bought the tickets and our hands will hit more than just once.

After the movie, we’ll be heading out and I’ll ask him what he’s doing. He’ll most likely say something about hanging out with Nicole, and I’ll sigh and say “okay”. Then he’ll ask if I had anything planned, and I’ll say just a payback. I’ll offer him to hang out with me, and not drink. We can watch family guy, play spore and he’ll have a hot shower and a warm bed to sleep in. He’ll be stoaked, and say YES!

We’ll go back to my place and I’ll request a shower first. Mainly because I stink from work, but also as a forthought of what’s to come. I’ll get out and wear only a towel, to let his AND my gaurd down. I’ll offer him the next shower and he’ll be just as excited to. When he’s in though I’ll ask if I can come in and dry my hair. “Sure” he’ll say. And while he’s in the shower I’ll ask him about the other night.

“Remember when you said you wish you could read peoples’ minds? On Monday during Heros?”

“Yeah, what about it”

“Well I guess I should let you know what I’m thinking” A lull of odd silence will set in for a second. It’ll be easier for both of us to say and hear because there’ll be a shower curtain behind us. “Well I’m thinking about you most of the time.”

“Really? Thinking of me.. how?”

“Thinking of how much I might just… just… like you. Thinking of how much I might want something more from you than just friendship. But also thinking about how much of a risk this is. Thinking about how much I love our friendship and the time we spend together, but under that I want something more. Thinking about what you’re thinking, and also releived that this is finally out there in the open. So yeah, that’s what I’m thinking.”

The shower will stop running and he’ll grab his towel over the curtain. The silence will kill me, and lead me to think that he’s not interested at all. “Well let me tell you what I’m thinking”. He’ll come out of the shower, towel around his waist, still wet and walk over to me. He’ll grab the small of my back, pull me in, and kiss me. We’ll kiss for what’ll seem like forever and finally he’ll pull away and say, “that’s what I think”

I’ll pull him back into my bed and we’ll start to make out with just these loose towels on, but I’ll stop. “I don’t want to rush this, I like you too much.” He’ll agree and we’ll just lay there for a while, holding each others half naked bodies talking about how long we’ve eached felt this way.

So yeah, I have high expectations for this weekend. Really, REALLY High expectations…